October 5, 2011

Gut-wrenching dishonesty OK when it’s just about immigration, confirms Home Secretary

Responding to complaints that she had completely made up her story about an immigrant being spared deportation because he owned a cat, Home Secretary Theresa May today issued a clarification explaining that when discussing immigration, normal standards of honesty, decency and sanity do not apply.

The Home Secretary’s angry claim that UK asylum rules are so lax that an unnamed Bolivian man escaped extradition purely because of his pet were ridiculed in the media, which pointed out that the actual reason had more to do with the fact that he was actually married to an English woman, had seven English children and for forty years had actually been the Duke of Gloucester.

Far from recanting her claims, Mrs May went even further on the offensive, arguing that she had recently heard of an illegal immigrant who ate whole buildings, excreted living starlings, and had hair made entirely of spoons.

‘You might think,’ she explained to incredulous journalists, ‘That as Home Secretary I should try to be honest, but when we talk about immigrants that really isn’t the case. Did I mention that this particular immigrant rides on a giant sky-chariot pulled by otters? Well, there you are, then.’

September 26, 2011

France imposes first fines for ‘looking a bit foreign’

Two women who look a bit like they might come from some kind of Arab country have been given fines by a French court for breaking the new law prohibiting ‘looking a bit foreign’.

The women were caught looking ‘distinctly dusky’ outside Meaux town hall, eastern Paris, soon after the law came into effect in May.

This new legislation has caused controversy, with many arguing that it was impractical, impossible to enforce and insane. Lawmakers, however, argued that discriminating against a large section of the population was essential in the fight against terrorism, and would make French citizens safer and happier, providing they were white.

Critics have pointed to an array of practical difficulties in enforcing the law, and many exceptions have had to be made for citizens who ‘just happen to have a sun tan’, or who have to appear a bit foreign as part of their lawful employment, for example as chimney sweeps or Black and White Minstrels.

French Justice Minister Alain Batard insisted: “With all the problems France is facing – the economy, rampant unemployment, racial tensions, who can say that it won’t help to ban people who smell a bit of foreign food? Apart from les kebabs, bien sur.”

The women have said they will appeal against their punishment all the way to the European Court of Human Rights, and if that fails, they will consider leaving France altogether and settling in the USA. “They know how to treat poor innocent black people over there,” one explained.

September 24, 2011

Red faces at UN as Mahmoud Abbas not recognised by short-sighted doorman, refused entry

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas was said to be ‘livid’ this morning after being refused entry to the United Nations when a short-sighted doorman apparently mistook him for a tourist.

“It’s just so bloody ironic,” he complained to journalists outside the General Assembly building in New York. “Here I am, trying to submit a proposal that the UN recognise a Palestinian state, and I can’t even get recognised by the bloody doorman.”

“And it’s not as if I haven’t been in the news lately,” he went on. “He just looked at me blankly and said he didn’t read the papers. All the delegates had gone inside already, so no-one could vouch for me. Then the Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu walked past, but he pretended he didn’t recognise me either – it’s enough to make you give up and bloody go home, it really is.”

Meanwhile, among the crowds of Palestinians watching on a big screen in the West Bank city of Ramallah there was a tangible air of disappointment that rather than deliver a passionate endorsement of the two-state solution, their leader had actually failed even to get past the front door.

“Yes, it’s a bit of an anticlimax,” admitted one Palestinian follower, “We’re all here expecting a historical moment, and he can’t even get in the front door. Next time he should wear some sort of name badge, definitely.”

Officials at the UN were said to be ‘mortified’ that Abbas had been refused entry. “I can hardly say how unfortunate this is,” admitted a spokesman. “And we can only try to make sure our staff know who he is in future. Mind you, if there was any possibility that Mr Abbas could obtain a distinctive tattoo or huge beard, that could only help…”

September 16, 2011

Nearly half of parents back return to traditional violence lessons in schools

Nearly half of parents look back wistfully to the days when children regularly got savage beatings from their teachers to ‘teach them a lesson’, and believe physical violence should return to the schoolroom, a survey suggests.

Some 49% of parents polled by the Times Educational Supplement were in favour of overturning the ban on traditional brutalities such as the slipper, caning and garroting.

Desmond Buller, a parent of two from Esher, spoke of his ‘dismay’ that this essential part of children’s education was being neglected:

“It makes me angry, very very angry. Where else are children going to learn that violence is a perfectly acceptable way to resolve disagreements? If we don’t hammer it into them early, they’ll think they should talk disputes over reasonably, coming to a compromise acceptable to all. And that sounds like being a big Jessie to me.”

“If my neighbour annoys me,” he explained, “I simply give him a slap, or stab him. It’s the British way. Who’s going to set the example if not the teachers, eh? Where’s the next generation of belligerent policitians going to come from?”

Many teachers feel that it should also be the parents’ responsibility to help educate their children in the ways of mindless thuggery, the better to prepare them for today’s riot and war-driven society, but Mr Buller disagrees.

“It’s not my job to make sure my child is battered senseless regularly,” he complained. “My teachers abused me, and it never did me any harm. Well, actually it did – after all, harm is sort of the point, isn’t it?”

September 7, 2011

‘Curse of the Wombles’ strikes again as city of Wellington hit by earthquakes

The notorious “Curse of the Wombles” seems to have struck again, after earthquakes measuring up to magnitude seven rocked the New Zealand city of Wellington, causing widespread damage. This is only the latest in a series of natural and man-made disasters occurring in places with the same name as characters in Elisabeth Beresford’s “Womble” children’s stories.

According to the first book, young Wombles reaching the age of four are summoned to Great Uncle Bulgaria’s study to look through his atlas and choose a town, country or river to name themselves after. If, as invariably happens, they are unable to decide, they simply “shut their eyes tight and point and hope for the best.”

In a curious turn of events, however, every place picked as the name for a Womble has quickly suffered some dreadful catastrophe, far more frequently than simple random chance would dictate. Bulgaria itself was the scene of failed harvests and food riots shortly after the first Wombles book was published, Japan’s Bungo province frequently endures devastating seismic activity, and the great Orinoco river is now so polluted as to be completely devoid of all aquatic life and sees frequent drownings. Elisabeth Beresford is now regarded as something of a modern-day Nostradamus; her writings are pored over closely by researchers from the insurance industry.

Such is the belief in the Womble curse, many city mayors and regional governors are now petitioning rights holders Bloomsbury publishing not to be included in future books, a demand which only increased after the Chernobyl disaster rendered the Siberian city of Tomsk uninhabitable for hundreds of years. Unconfirmed reports indicate that the publishers will only agree to a request on payment of a substantial amount of money, leading many to believe that the whole Wombles thing is nothing more than a gigantic protection racket, albeit one with sound underlying green credentials.

Wombling controversy is nothing new. Campaigner Mary Whitehouse lobbied heavily against the “modern attitudes” of the pop group of the same name in the seventies, saying: “It’s disgusting. Take their classic ‘Remember you’re a Womble’ – it goes: ‘When it’s foggy on the common and you just can’t see, and I Womble into you, and you Womble into me, just remember we’re so lucky to be Wombling free…’ Well, we know just what these long-haired hippies were singing about. Replace ‘Womble’ with ‘ejaculate’ and what have you got, eh? Filth!”

September 6, 2011

Mother’s horror as man sells iPad to buy kidney

The mother of a Chinese man has spoken of her horror after finding out that her son, identified only as ‘Big Zheng’, had arranged the sale of one of his iPads to fund the purchase of a kidney in a shady internet transaction.

The 43-year-old told a local TV station that he had arranged the deal after seeing an online advert offering human kidneys to those willing to have their Apple consumer products removed. He confessed that, as a man with near-total kidney failure, he had an ‘admittedly shallow’ interest in the human renal function, and had long been obsessed with what UrinaryWorld magazine recently voted ‘most essential organ of all time’.

The story only came to light after the man’s mother became suspicious after noticing a ‘gaping hole’ in her son’s iPad docking station where the device would usually be charging in preparation for another day fulfilling essential bodily requirements. Her attention was also drawn to the fact that her son no longer seemed interested in his old dialysis machine, preferring to go out playing squash and enjoying a beer afterwards.

“When he came home that night,” explained his mother, “He had an unusual spring in his step and no problem excreting waste materials via his urine. I knew at once something was up. I wanted to know how he had got enough money to buy a new kidney and he finally confessed that he had sold one of his iPads. I was shattered.”

This case highlights China’s shocking black market in iPad trafficking. A scarcity of the desirable devices has left many naive unfortunates vulnerable to selling their cherished devices for large sums of money, even in the knowledge that the grim transaction will leave them dangerously short of Angry Birds capability.

“I can’t believe he did it,” sobbed his mother. He might feel like he can live without it now, but he doesn’t know what losing an iPad could mean. If his other one ever stops working he’ll have no way of surfing Flash-free websites on the move – that could be the end of him!”

September 5, 2011

Bill Stickers speaks of 40-year campaign to prove innocence

Bill Stickers, famously imprisoned in the 70s for a robbery he always denied, has spoken of his “bitter-sweet” feelings at being finally cleared of all charges. His supporters have long insisted he was the unfortunate victim of mistaken identity and had not taken part in an Essex burglary in 1974 in which a police officer was shot in the leg and injured.

The most unpleasant part of the whole experience, according to Mr Stickers, was the ‘triumphant’ advertising campaign undertaken by the Metropolitan Police proclaiming his guilt.

In a highly unusual move, the police decided to plaster practically every blank wall in London with a sign or message reading “Bill Stickers will be prosecuted”, such was their confidence that a successful conviction would indeed be secured.

Despite the presiding judge condemning this “highly prejudicial” approach by the police, Mr Stickers was indeed found guilty, leading to a massive popular campaign insisting on the innocence of the unfortunate accused.

Family and friends, including the influential London poet Bill Posters, embarked on a high-profile bid to expose a miscarriage of justice. The message “Bill Stickers is innocent” seemed to appear everywhere, on badges, T-shirts, and famously in the lyrics of ABBA’s hit record “Dancing Queen”.

Despite spending decades as the victim of a brutal miscarriage of justice, Stickers insists he is not going to seek the compensation to which many think him entitled. “I’m just happy to at last have found justice,” he explained to journalists this morning. “But it’s important that we remember the other victims who have not been as fortunate as me. Far from resting on my laurels, I’m going to continue campaigning for those poor souls still in prison for crimes they did not commit. This one’s for you, Hissing Sid!”


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