Responding to complaints that she had completely made up her story about an immigrant being spared deportation because he owned a cat, Home Secretary Theresa May today issued a clarification explaining that when discussing immigration, normal standards of honesty, decency and sanity do not apply.
The Home Secretary’s angry claim that UK asylum rules are so lax that an unnamed Bolivian man escaped extradition purely because of his pet were ridiculed in the media, which pointed out that the actual reason had more to do with the fact that he was actually married to an English woman, had seven English children and for forty years had actually been the Duke of Gloucester.
Far from recanting her claims, Mrs May went even further on the offensive, arguing that she had recently heard of an illegal immigrant who ate whole buildings, excreted living starlings, and had hair made entirely of spoons.
‘You might think,’ she explained to incredulous journalists, ‘That as Home Secretary I should try to be honest, but when we talk about immigrants that really isn’t the case. Did I mention that this particular immigrant rides on a giant sky-chariot pulled by otters? Well, there you are, then.’